Betrayal Bonds: A Cycle That's Hard to Get Out of.

Breaking Free from Betrayal Bonds: Why We Stay and How We Heal

Have you ever found yourself deeply attached to someone who continuously hurts you, yet you still can’t seem to walk away? You might question your own instincts, blame yourself, or wonder why the bond feels unbreakable, even though the relationship is damaging. This could be a sign of a betrayal bond.

What Is a Betrayal Bond?

Coined by Dr. Patrick Carnes, ( I worked at his center *name drop*), a betrayal bond is a powerful emotional connection formed with someone who repeatedly betrays your trust. These bonds often develop in relationships marked by abuse, manipulation, neglect, or exploitation. Rather than weakening the connection, the betrayal paradoxically strengthens it, leaving the victim feeling more emotionally dependent and stuck.

Betrayal bonds aren’t just limited to romantic partners. They can form with a parent, sibling, boss, friend, or even a spiritual leader. The common thread? A cycle of harm, apology, and hope, followed by more harm.

Why Do Betrayal Bonds Happen?

Betrayal bonds are rooted in trauma, especially childhood experiences where love and pain were entwined. If your caregivers were inconsistent, offering affection one moment and neglect or harm the next, your nervous system learned to equate love with survival, fear, and confusion.

In adulthood, these early patterns often resurface. The brain may subconsciously seek the “familiar,” even when it’s unhealthy. There’s also a chemical aspect, the intermittent reinforcement of kindness after harm releases dopamine and oxytocin, keeping us emotionally hooked.

Other factors that contribute:

Denial: "It’s not that bad."

Hope for change: "Maybe this time they’ll mean it."

Fear of being alone: "At least I know what to expect here."

Low self-worth: "I don’t deserve better anyway."

Signs of a Betrayal Bond

• You feel emotionally addicted to the person, despite the pain.

• You justify or minimize their harmful behavior.

• You isolate yourself from others to protect the relationship.

• You feel shame, but keep returning.

• You feel like you're betraying them when you think about leaving.

Healing from Betrayal Bonds

Breaking free from these patterns is possible, but it takes courage, self-compassion, and support. Here are steps that can help:

1. Name It

Awareness is the first step. Naming the dynamic as a betrayal bond helps loosen its grip. It's not “love” in the traditional sense; it’s trauma reenactment.

2. Tell the Truth

Begin telling the truth to yourself, in a journal, to a therapist, or to a trusted friend. Speak what’s happening, without minimizing.

3. Rebuild Self-Worth

Shame is the glue that keeps betrayal bonds intact. Therapy can help you rebuild your self-worth and begin to see yourself as worthy of safe, consistent love.

4. Grieve What You Lost

You may not just be grieving the person, you’re grieving what you hoped the relationship would become. Give yourself space to mourn.

5. Create Safe Distance

Detoxing from betrayal bonds often requires physical or emotional distance. This doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you a survivor.

6. Seek Safe Connections

Healing happens in healthy relationships. Whether with a therapist, support group, or trusted friend, you need people who can remind you what safe love feels like.

You Are Not Broken. You Are Human.

Betrayal bonds can feel confusing and shameful, but they’re far more common than most people realize. You’re not weak for forming them, you’re human, and your nervous system is trying to protect you in the only way it knows how.

If you’re navigating the pain of a betrayal bond, know that you’re not alone. At CenteredTherapy, we provide a safe and judgment-free space for you to explore your patterns, reconnect with your worth, and start your healing journey.

You deserve love that doesn’t hurt.